HUMOUR  

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming in the ocean?
A: Bob.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs who can swim across a pool?
A: Clever Dick
-Ban Safe-Sex Marriage.
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
Q:What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The USS Enterprise is like toilet paper--it circles Uranus, looking for blackholes, and wiping out Klingons.
Q: What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise?
A: The Captain's Log.
Q: How do you make an ugly baby?
A: Ask your parents.
Practice safe sex. Go screw yourself.
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q: What is the most expensive vehicle to operate?
A: A shopping cart.
Q: What happened to Dennis the Menace when he grew up?
A: He became Phantom the Menace.
-Jesus loves you, but I think your an asshole!
-Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
-The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A: Two test tickles.
Q: What is the first sign of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the ass.
Lexus engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They would check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test.
Chrysler heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone.
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?""Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
-I get my exercise pushing my luck.
Q: What's white and sticky and slides down the back of a toilet door?
A: George Michael's latest release.
Did you hear that Roseanne got busted for drugs at Los Angeles Airport?
They lifted her dress and found 50 pounds of crack.
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to use the bathroom. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."