CONFUCIUS SAYS
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run in back of car get exhausted.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
DRINKING
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "Can I help you?"
The duck says, "Yeah! Get this guy off my ass!"
-24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
-One tequila,
two tequila,
three tequila,
floor.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and quickly responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
One of the reasons the Pilgrims stayed in Philadelphia rather than continue on to their original destination in Virginia, was that they had run out of beer. (True fact).
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
During a DUI crackdown, a police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life
Sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little bastard O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," asks the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side, either."
Two shipwrecked men are stranded in a lifeboat, dying from thirst, when a genie lamp floats by, the first man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and a genie appears, saying that they can have one wish.
The man says, "I wish the ocean was made of beer!" Poof, the ocean turns to beer!
The second man says, "you stupid fool."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
You can enjoy a beer all night long.
A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
Beer is never late.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
Hangovers go away
Beer labels come off without a fight.
When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
Beer never has a headache.
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
A beer goes down easy.
You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
Beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
A beer is always satisfying.
A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
A beer does not come with in-laws.
No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
It's okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
